CRAIG BROWN: The news you missed in lockdown (Part II) – Dilyn the dog is yappy, not happy, at No 10

Dilyn, the terrier regularly photographed alongside Prime Minister Boris Johnson and his fiancee Carrie Symonds, has announced that he will shortly be leaving Downing Street for ‘exciting new challenges’. 

Downing Street continues to deny all reports of a ‘rift’, but a number of reports over the summer have indicated that Dilyn was dissatisfied with his allotted role. 

‘Even though Dilyn is brilliant at standing on his own four feet, not to mention walking and running, whenever Carrie saw a cameraman, she would immediately pick him up’, said a close friend of the Jack Russell cross.

However, reports in the Left-wing press that Labour leader Keir Starmer has been reaching out to offer him a position are said to be ‘premature’.

Actors employed by TV news programmes to loiter in the background behind the glass screen as the presenter reads the news have protested that they are never given enough to do.

‘I’m great at handstands, for instance, but the producers always insist that I shuffle papers around or carry a cup of coffee,’ complained one. 

Another expressed fury at only ever being asked to walk from desk to desk, looking gormless, while the overpaid presenter received the lion’s share of attention.

Domestic animals all over the world are reportedly growing ‘sick and tired’ of the way human beings can’t stop watching YouTube videos of them looking cute or misbehaving.

‘We are entitled to a private life, like everyone else,’ said leading cat spokesperson Tibbles, five. ‘

‘And for irresponsible human beings to release footage of cats and kittens unrolling balls of wool or attempting unsuccessfully to leap from one chair to another is nothing short of humiliating.’

Veteran canine campaigner Fenton, President of Animal Action Against Invasion of Privacy, said he spoke from personal experience.

‘Some years ago, a misleading video of me chasing the deer in Richmond Park while my owner screamed ”Fenton! Fenton!” was watched by millions of people worldwide. What the viewer couldn’t see was that the deer were leading me on in the most provocative manner.

‘The video did irreparable damage to my reputation and sent me into a psychological maelstrom from which I have only recently recovered.’

This summer saw the arrival of a new streaming service HAD —’Humans Acting Daft’ — produced for animals, by animals.

‘We estimate that 85 per cent of Dogs, Cats, Hamsters, Caged Birds and Tropical Fish are now watching our service when their owners are out of the house,’ said Polly Parrot, 23, from Reigate. 

‘Everyone in the DCHCBTF community loves watching videos of humans doing pratfalls, pulling faces and walking into doors.’

In a major TV interview, HRH Prince Andrew insisted that he had ‘no recollection, none whatsoever’ of ever being married to Sarah Ferguson. 

When asked what he had been doing during the years they were said to be together, he replied that ‘to the best of my knowledge’ he had been a short-order chef in a well-known chain of High-Street restaurants. ‘

Oddly enough, I remember that quite well, as it’s not something I would normally do,’ he added.

Having spent most of the summer in the High Court, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard announced they were planning to ‘put the past behind us’.

‘Going through this amazing journey turned out to be a great bonding process,’ added Ms Heard. Last week, the couple were spotted patching things up over a celebration dinner in a West End restaurant with close friends Basil and Sybil Fawlty, Othello and Desdemona, and celebrity glove puppets Punch and Judy.

Following his success as Lord Chancellor and Secretary of State for Transport, it was announced that Chris Grayling has been made CEO of the Great Pyramid of Giza. 

Grayling immediately called a press conference to announce ‘bold and exciting’ plans for ‘a far-reaching overhaul of the infrastructure’.

He said he was ‘passionate’ about ‘bringing this dusty old pyramid kicking and screaming into the 21st century’.

He went on to reveal that his plans involve turning the pyramid through 180 degrees, so that it will stand on its point. 

‘This will give us a wide, flat, square area on top with plenty of space for high-end retail outlets, a leisure centre and a cineplex,’ beamed Grayling, confidently.