Here are the features I actually want from my pregnancy tracking app

A great scholar once noted that “there’s an app for that.” Pregnancy is no exception. I use my phone to manage just about everything else in my life, so when I found out I was pregnant, it was a natural next step to go looking for an app to hold my hand through the experience. I’ve been using a couple of popular apps interchangeably — Ovia and What to Expect — and generally, they’re pretty good. But I have notes.

So without further ado, here’s a list of demands from me, a pregnant lady with no app development experience, to the pregnancy app creators of the world. It’s the impractical pregnancy tracking app of my dreams. And believe it or not, you can use these ideas for free in your next update. You’re welcome.

• A nap alarm that sends a push notification to the other inhabitants of my house to not disturb me when I set it.
• A shortcut to order a Popeyes chicken sandwich on DoorDash with priority delivery.
• A hotline to call when I know I’m being unreasonably emotional but need to cry about something trivial that happened, like “The pharmacist was a little short with me,” or “I just really need to eat a Frosty right now and I’m miles away from the nearest Wendy’s.” My spouse does not need this kind of added stress in his life right now, and I just need a virtual shoulder to cry on.
• Fetal size comparisons to fast-food menu items. Speak my language, please! I do not know how large a mille-feuille is (and I’ve even seen Bake Off!), but I know exactly how large a McDonald’s chicken nugget is.

• Zero mentions of healthy snack recipes, excessive weight gain warnings, or, god forbid, the phrase “You’re not eating for two!” The fuck I’m not. My body is literally creating a whole-ass human from scratch. Sometimes I’m just exhausted, sick of eating baby carrots with hummus, and my soul needs the kind of soothing only a bowl of peanut M&Ms can provide.
• Push notifications for useful things, like when I actually need to start shopping for a crib or a stroller. In fact, just pick one for me and schedule a Target pickup.
• A “good vibes only” community forum. I like being able to connect with other pregnant people who are due around the same time, but reading about complications in other people’s pregnancies sends me into a worry spiral that I just don’t need right now.
• Daily affirmations that I’m doing fine and whatever food or beverage item I’m worried about putting in my body is probably fine.

Fellow armchair app developers: did I miss anything? Let me know in the comments — just, you know, good vibes only.