Kate Winslet just turned a blind eye and banked the cheque!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 4

‘The human voice is the most beautiful instrument of all,’ said the great German composer Richard Strauss, ‘but it is the most difficult to play.’

Some, such as Morgan Freeman, definitely play it better than others like… Janet Street-Porter.

My own voice is nothing special. In fact, top impersonators Rory Bremner and Jon Culshaw have both told me it’s so bland it’s very hard to mimic.

But for gobby TV presenters like me, the voice is by far the most important tool in the human body box, and losing it would be like Samson losing his hair.

Today, I came as close to that nightmare scenario as I’ve ever done in my career.

After a busy week spent filming Life Stories with Vinnie Jones on Monday and presenting Good Morning Britain, I’ve had to spend the past two days recording the audio version of my new book, Wake Up.

It’s the first time I’ve ever done one of these and I had no idea how brutal they are: eight hours each day, locked in a dark sound-booth dungeon, reading, and often rereading to correct verbal gaffes, up to 35,000 words a day. (My book is 100,000 words.)

My throat now feels like sandpaper, my voice sounds like Bonnie Tyler and I have to tape another Life Stories show tomorrow, with Captain Sir Tom Moore.

So I decided to seek expert help from my singer friend Katherine Jenkins.

‘Are you in pain or is the voice just sounding knackered?’ she asked.

‘Knackered and very sore.’

‘But you’re still able to make a sound?’

‘Yes.’

‘OK, well here’s what you need: Throat Coat tea and Manuka honey. The tea will recoat your vocal cords. Let it brew for a good while and sip as often as possible. Take a teaspoon of the honey raw three to five times a day. Hold in your mouth for as long as possible before swallowing. Do not put in hot water as it kills off the antibacterial properties. But you do need to drink loads of normal-temperature water too. And take two ibuprofen every four hours to take the swelling down on the cords. If it gets really bad and you have a deadline, then ask your doctor for three days of dexamethasone.’

Katherine added: ‘I’m at the Albert Hall today so I’ll drop some of the tea and honey off at your house on the way. Have to get you right – how would we all cope if you lost your voice?’

(‘Very easily,’ I hear government ministers cry…)

Twenty minutes later, Nurse Jenkins left her emergency medical package on my doorstep.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 5

I followed Katherine’s regime to the T, literally. And it worked a treat. In fact, as viewers may have noticed on the Captain Tom show, my voice has never felt or sounded better. No wonder she can belt out those massive arias.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 8

One of the main themes of my book is ‘wokery’, the dreaded new cancel culture driven by over-sensitive snowflakes who are offended by absolutely everything. In perhaps the most absurd example yet, a hair salon owner in Stroud, Gloucestershire, was contacted by the Department for Work and Pensions after posting an online advert for a ‘happy’ new stylist – and informed that she would have to take it down because it was ‘discriminatory against unhappy people’.

The salon owner, Alison Birch, appeared on GMB today and said she assumed the call was a joke, but it wasn’t. The woke brigade don’t do jokes. Or happiness.

Ironically, the best way to deal with these preaching PC puritans is to laugh at them.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9

I appeared on This Morning and they sat me on a sofa for a pre-tease at the top of the show.

I expected the normal build-up, something along the lines of ‘… and the always-opinionated Piers Morgan’s here to talk about his new Life Stories series’.

But things took a rather unexpected turn.

‘Piers, designer vaginas are on the rise!’ exclaimed Holly Willoughby.

The camera zoomed in on my startled face. ‘… but what should you actually put down there?’ she continued. ‘That’s the question.’

The camera zoomed even closer as my unease increased. ‘The truth about your private parts!’ chortled Holly.

‘SORRY? I shouted out. ‘That’s not why I’ve come on!’

She and Phillip Schofield fell about laughing, revelling in my discomfort.

Phil’s got a new book coming out too – his autobiography – and during a commercial break he empathised with my audio-recording hell. ‘God, I found it so tough too,’ he said. ‘But more emotionally than physically. It’s one thing writing about really personal things like my dad dying and more recent events, but reading it all out was incredibly difficult. I kept bursting into tears. That’s why I can’t do Life Stories – I’d never get through it!’

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 11

Actress Kate Winslet, 44, has expressed her horror at working with directors Roman Polanski, a fugitive child rapist, and Woody Allen, who was accused of molesting his daughter when she was seven, telling Vanity Fair: ‘It’s like, what the f*** was I doing? It’s unbelievable to me now how those men were held in such high regard, so widely in the film industry and for as long as they were. It’s f****** disgraceful. I’m grappling with those regrets, but what do we have if we aren’t able to just be f****** truthful about all of it?’

Well, quite.

Three years ago, the same Ms Winslet gave a rather different response to The New York Times when asked why she had worked with the two men, saying: ‘Woody Allen is an incredible director. So is Roman Polanski. I had an extraordinary working experience with both of those men, and that’s the truth.’

It would appear the answer to Ms Winslet’s ‘What the f*** was I doing?’ question is ‘Turning a blind eye and banking the cheque.’

Which is… f****** disgraceful.