Comedian Ruby Wax says kids’ career choices have led to ‘hilarious’ dinner chats

In her own words, comedian-turned-author Ruby Wax, 67, on the hard lessons in life she’s learned along the way…

When you’re young, try to remember you’re pretty, even when you don’t feel it.

Because I promise you it gets worse! When I see pictures of myself now I feel sad, because I don’t look like I used to. With no make-up on I’m just blank, I don’t look like Ruby Wax.

I have to draw her on with make-up and actually brush my hair. I look like crap when I’m writing or travelling, I never get recognised. I live in baggy stuff, it’s not flattering.

The secret to a long marriage is to do your own thing.

Ed [Bye, Ruby’s husband of 32 years] is a director and I’m an adventurer. We have different interests and purposes and – boy! – if you don’t have those then you are in trouble. Never call yourself a ‘we’.

You’re not a ‘we’, you’re an individual. I don’t know who is the more romantic of us – when you live with someone for this long you don’t recognise those things. We bicker over stupid things, the mundane. But I love my husband.

If someone doesn’t like me, I can sometimes smell it.

In the past, if I picked up that whiff of a sneer, I’d turn myself inside-out to get their approval, attempting to be hilarious, which always backfires, because they can smell your desperation too.

Nowadays, though, if the hate smell is strong, I just retreat because I have learnt that how someone sees you is really none of your business; it’s the film they’re playing of you, nothing to do with you, so move away from the building.

If you have mental health issues or relationship issues, get help.

There is a stigma. But not getting help is like saying you have cancer and not doing chemo. You’re ill. You need somebody to help you. More people suffer from mental illness than all other diseases put together. We need to wake up now to the impact of that and deal with it. If you have a heart attack, you will be seen. If you’re suicidal, good luck with that.

The thing I’d like written on my gravestone is ‘She tried’.

I’ve done lots of work on myself, but it’s always ongoing. I am a work in progress.

Loneliness is the biggest cause of emotional pain in the Western world.

Being side-swiped on Tinder hurts as much as snapping your femur. People who are isolated have shorter life spans. This is exactly why I started my charity called Frazzled Cafes.

I wanted to create a safe place where small groups of people could meet and speak honestly to each other without the fear of appearing weak. Being vulnerable isn’t being weak, it’s being human.

My biggest regret is that I was never academic when I was young.

I’m both illiterate and dyslexic and I have to stare at the words for ages. I would love to have known more about physics and astronomy.

I am totally in love with Brian Cox. I once met him and had a heart attack, I was so intimidated. I only got smart in my late 50s. I wish I did read more as a child, but I couldn’t focus.

I was insane as a child. Crazy.

I am still crazy now, but in a happier way. When I was younger I wanted to rebel. I went on riots and peace marches without knowing what they were even about, I just wanted to be wild. I still can be a little reckless.

Like last year when I went horse jumping in Finland. I fell off and fractured my back in three places. I thought I may never walk again and did all my shows wearing a back brace. It’s OK now, but I haven’t been on a horse since.

My kids are the loves of my life.

It’s so heartbreaking when they grow up. Max is now 31, Maddie, 29, and Marina is 27. Even though they were a pain in the ar*e when I had to lead them by the hand, I miss those days now. They still come over on Sundays for Chinese takeaway – so long as I’m paying.

Even though my daughters are comedians they don’t ask for my advice – in their eyes I know nothing. They do spot-on impressions of me. Max is a coder. The dinner table conversations we have are just hilarious. I hope I’ve taught them to be adventurous.

The person who was the biggest influence on my life was the late actor Alan Rickman.

I first met him at the Royal Shakespeare Company where he told me, gently, to avoid acting in the future, that it was not my forte, but that I should consider writing comedy. He became my mentor and taught me how to be funny without being desperate.

He was much funnier than I am. I also met my friend the actress Juliet Stevenson there. During a production of The Tempest she played some seaweed next to me and we once laughed so hard while performing, she peed.

I don’t drink any more, but I do miss it.

I just went off the taste. I still might have a martini, but not wine. I still wake up feeling raddled, not fresh. But I’m not hungover at least.

The secret behind Ruby Wax’s favourite photo

Here I am visiting some wonderful nuns in North London recently who call themselves The Little Sisters of the Poor. They had selflessly worked with coronavirus patients during the crisis, nursing the sick and some became ill themselves. I wanted to thank them and recognise their good work, so I surprised them with a bunch of flowers each.

They were delighted and it made my heart sing. I used to meet celebrities for work, but I’m much happier with my work now. Community is everything. I did my own hair and make-up here – I have to make a bit of an effort or I don’t look like Ruby Wax. I don’t mind that, but I thought the nuns might get more out of meeting me if they recognised me.

– And Now For The Good News… To The Future With Love by Ruby Wax is published by Penguin Life, £14.99 hardback