ASK ZELDA: Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questions

If you have a problem, email [email protected]. Zelda reads all your letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally

He told me I wasn’t a good mother   

My son, who is in his 30s, recently told me that I had not been a good mum. He said that I had been moody and emotional, and that it affected his childhood. It’s probably true. I was often in tears (though I tried my best to hide it) and because I was so unhappy, I was bad-tempered and distracted. But my son doesn’t know what I have had to cope with in my marriage. My husband was a heavy drinker (though he is a bit better now). He was into pornography and he has had at least one affair. A few years ago, I also discovered that he is a cross-dresser. I was devastated as I wondered if he had ever been interested in me. He used to work away a lot so my children were not aware of this, except the drinking. I wanted them to have a stable home, so I kept it from them. I want to leave a letter to my son when I die, telling him about this. He might then realise that life is not always as it seems. But am I being cruel to tell him the truth about his father, as he is close to him? And what about my other children? I am still with my husband but I am not sure for how much longer. I don’t love him, and I am pretty sure that he doesn’t have feelings for me. We don’t argue (largely because I can’t be bothered) but we also don’t talk much apart from organising day-to-day living.      

You don’t have to keep protecting your children – they are old enough to hear at least some of the truth. The question is: how do they hear it? Writing a letter for your son to read when you die is a bad idea. He would be upset that you never told him while you were alive, he would almost certainly tell his siblings and it would leave them all with unanswered questions. You would be depriving him of the opportunity to talk it through. He needs to understand why things were difficult and how much you love him – and that the blame for this is not yours. Also, what you want and deserve is to be closer to your son. So give your husband the chance to tell your children that, while he loves them dearly, he has not been a good husband and has let you down badly. Tell him that if he doesn’t do this, you will. I suspect he will refuse, so then talk to your son. Tell him that you are so sorry that you were not a good mum at times and explain how unhappy you were. You don’t need to trash your husband; tell your son that his dad loves him and that he perhaps had his own troubles, but you felt unloved. It sounds as though you need to end your marriage, so have counselling with Relate (relate.org.uk) or the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk) to help you decide what to do.

 Sex has been painful since the menopause   

I feel inadequate when I see women on social media claiming to be having the best sex of their lives, often divorcées enthusing about younger lovers after an unhappy first marriage. I am in my late 50s and since the menopause, sex has been incredibly painful. Penetration feels like a scouring brush and often there has been bleeding. This has put huge pressure on my marriage. I am reluctant to kiss or cuddle my husband as I feel that any contact will be seen as an invitation to take things further. I went to see a doctor, who has been sympathetic and I am receiving treatment. But the doctor said that only about 20 per cent of women tend to seek treatment. I wanted to let other readers know so that fewer women suffer in silence.     

Thank you so much for sharing this. Painful sex can be a problem after the menopause – caused by vaginal dryness (sometimes referred to as vaginal atrophy). If women are embarrassed by this, they often avoid sex and their partner feels rejected; gradually their emotional closeness fades and the relationship can fall apart. It’s a myth that all men want is sex; many would be concerned for their partners if they knew that sex was painful. Treatment usually involves lubricants, HRT and topical oestrogen creams, applied directly to the vagina. Please don’t feel inadequate. It’s not true that everyone is having fantastic sex. It’s important to talk and find the right balance – whether that is five times a week or five times a year.