CRAIG BROWN: Diaries Of An MP’s Wife Pt 2 – Negronis all round! We’re on Budget duty 

September 23, 2010

Yet another Conservative charity dinner (bor-RING!) to raise funds for the ‘disadvantaged’. Heaven knows why they call them disadvantaged when they’re excused these charity dinners.

I sit next to Dave Cameron and ask him when he’s going to give my husband Hugo the job of Home Secretary. ‘Hugo’s always at home so he’s practically a world expert,’ I say.

For the charity auction, Hugo and I have kindly donated the chance to enjoy a three-course dinner with the two of us tomorrow.

The bidding starts at £1,000. It’s slow to get going, so I bid £1,200, then Hugo tops it by bidding £1,400, so I raise it to £1,600.

September 24, 2010

Dinner at home. Just the two of us, which is nice. We won it for £3,000, so we’re jolly pleased with ourselves.

April 29, 2011

To Westminster Abbey, for the Royal Wedding. On the way back, Hugo tells me he’s in with a pretty good chance of being the next Archbishop of Canterbury. ‘After all, I know Canterbury well,’ he says. ‘We went there one afternoon, the year before last. Or was that Salisbury?’

July 3, 2011

Over to Hillsborough for the dreaded annual garden party. ‘Surely it can’t only be locals,’ I sigh.

The Rev Ian Paisley is presented to me. I look at his sweaty face. He looks back, as if he is working out if I’m shaggable. I’ve been briefed that he’s a clergyman, so I try to set him at his ease by asking him if he knows the Pope personally.

‘Are you bestest pals? I absolutely adore him. Such a total sweetie with that little hat of his!’ I add.

The Rev Paisley just turns on his heels. ‘Someone got out of his bed the wrong side this morning!’ I hoot to Hugo.

October 3, 2011

Meanwhile, Hugo is getting to grips with being Minister for Northern Ireland. Over dinner, we put our heads together and discuss how to get the Northern Ireland situation in order. Maybe something super-sexy like Nancy’s Blushes for the principal bedroom, and possibly Rectory Red for the dining room.

October 4, 2011

Hugo’s so well-informed in his new post, he already knows which is North and which is South, and that Dublin’s in the South and Belfast’s in the North. Or is it the other way round?

‘At this stage, no one would expect me to be the complete expert,’ he says. ‘The main thing is, I know how to hold a knife and fork, and they value that sort of thing over there. They love to learn.’

October 29, 2011

To Chequers for dinner. The poor little Goves have been invited to drop by afterwards, presumably to help with the dishes.

November 12, 2011

A weekend with the Osbornes at Dorneywood. After dinner, poor George has to work flat out on the next Budget, but we’re all here to help, so he fishes out his pocket calculator and a tube of Pringles and orders lethal negronis all round.

All hands to the wheel! He places his notepad on his lap and invites us to chip in with our ideas.

‘What are you going to do about equality?’ I say. ‘High time you reduced it. It’s simply not fair on the better off.’

Hugo puts on his serious face. He says he’s been thinking about it all week, and the Treasury could raise a bit of extra cash by putting a penny or two on brandy snaps.

‘But you don’t even like brandy snaps,’ I interject.

‘Exactly!’ he replies.

He’s so sharp, it’s only a matter of time before Dave makes him Chancellor.

June 22, 2016

Only one more day to go before the Brexit referendum. Hugo is convinced we should leave the European Union, and that’s why he’s going to vote Remain.

This way he can hold the Government together and then he’ll be well-placed to work from the inside to get us out at a later date. Hugo’s so brilliant, it can’t be long before he’s voted in as PM!

June 23-24, 2016

Referendum night. By 5am, it’s all over. I wake Hugo to tell him we have lost, which means we have won, which means we have lost, or does this mean we have won? It’s Dave I feel sorry for.

‘We must go and prop him up’, I say, pouring us a mega- large negroni.