What all 20 PL managers want for Christmas – and what they’ll end up with

Christmas is a notoriously hectic time for football managers, but that doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy the festive season.

Just like the rest of us, Premier League bosses will have woken up on Christmas morning and wondered just what was waiting for them when they tore open wrapping paper and stockings.

But what do the league’s top bosses actually want for Christmas? And what will they actually get?

Of course this is an extremely serious question, and so we sat down for all of five minutes to try and work it out.

Here’s what the Premier League’s best and brightest can expect to be enjoying today, ahead of the Boxing Day round of matches.

Enjoy.

Mikel Arteta (Arsenal)

“Mrs Brown’s Boys? Really?!”

What he wants: Just for everyone to calm down, really. Pop a bit of Morcheeba on, sit cross-legged for a bit, talk to each other. “But David doesn’t really mean those things, Mohamed.”

What he’ll get: Who knows at this point? If the Boxing Day game against Chelsea featured red cards for Hector Bellerin, Joe Willock and Rob Holding for a second half ritual sacrifice of Kai Havertz would anyone really be surprised any more?

Dean Smith (Aston Villa)

“Two words, four syllables…”

What he wants: Jack Grealish to have a quiet one in front of the telly, animated film, doze on the sofa, turkey butties, bed by half 9.

What he’ll get: Some HMV vouchers from John Terry.

Graham Potter (Brighton)

“Oh God I’ve eaten too much”

What he wants: Danny Welbeck and Adam Lallana to go back in time and stop their injuries before they happen. A watchable TV drama, a celebrated scientific breakthrough and a chance of finishing top half.

What he’ll get: Vinyl. Lots of vinyl.

Sean Dyche (Burnley)

“No more peanuts, please”

What he wants: No presents, it’s for the kids really isn’t it? Little drop of sherry before his dinner, also known as ‘the main event’.

What he’ll get: Socks. Because he needs them.

Frank Lampard (Chelsea)

That’s the hand you make as you’re about to dive in for some more Celebrations

What he wants: Some £400 t-shirt he saw Christian Pulisic wearing that he can totally still pull off.

What he’ll get: Some £400 t-shirt he saw Christian Pulisic wearing that he can totally still pull off.

Roy Hodgson (Crystal Palace)

Someone forgot the parsnips

What he wants: For people to stop making cheap jokes about his advanced age in jokey online articles like this one.

What he’ll get: Slippers.

Carlo Ancelotti (Everton)

“Thanks, but I’ve got one of these at work”

What he wants: A day filled with song, laughter, the finest Italian wines and all the meats. I mean all of them.

What he’ll get: Something presented to him by a beaming Duncan Ferguson that is wrapped in newspaper and duct tape and oh my god did it just move…

Scott Parker (Fulham)

There are two types of people, those who dress up on Christmas Day and those who don’t

What he wants: The entire male grooming section at the Boots in Putney Bridge, but he doesn’t want to ask for it so a voucher will do.

What he’ll get: A turtleneck he’s already got.

Marcelo Bielsa (Leeds)

“What time’s the Queen on again?”

What he wants: Something so utterly inconceivable that you and I, mere mortals, would have absolutely no idea how to even begin to understand.

What he’ll get: Some sort of new bucket with his face on that he can sit on during matches. It will not go down well.

Brendan Rodgers (Leicester)

Roasties are done

What he wants: Some more books for the collection. Kierkegaard, Nietzsche, Joe Wicks.

What he’ll get: Just the Joe Wicks one.

Jurgen Klopp (Liverpool)

Pigs. In. Blankets.

What he wants: Just for everyone to have a wonderful time, really. Oh and the head of Chris Wilder.

What he’ll get: Probably some sort of award.

Pep Guardiola (Manchester City)

“They posted us a card and we forgot to post them one!”

What he wants: Lionel Messi to text him back.

What he’ll get: A lovely bit of knitwear he can keep on wearing until way too late into the season.

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer (Manchester United)

“Oh wait, batteries NOT included?!”

What he wants:Now 100 Hits: 90s No.1s on CD and, if available, cassette tape.

What he’ll get:Manchester United duvet and pillowcase set.

Steve Bruce (Newcastle)

“Alright, one more”

What he wants: For you to stop making jokes about the nose, okay. It’s just a nose, people have them.

What he’ll get: Some Sports Direct vouchers.

Chris Wilder (Sheffield United)

“Sinatra was swinging, all the drunks they were singing…”

What he wants: Any room in Welbeck and Lallana’s time machine?

What he’ll get: Not a mention on this list next year, at this rate.

Ralph Hasenhuttl (Southampton)

“No I love the hat, really. Thanks.”

What he wants: Bubble wrap for Danny Ings, or failing that more gilets he can give to Danny Ings to wrap him up in. To protect Danny Ings, basically.

What he’ll get: Doesn’t really matter. He’ll just smile at whatever it is and accept it gratefully.

Jose Mourinho (Tottenham)

“Reckon the Grinch was onto something, y’know”

What he wants: RESPECT!

What he’ll get: Jurgen Klopp’s autobiography from his soon to be sacked Secret Santa.

Sam Allardyce (West Brom)

“I could have had Christmas off.”

What he wants: To go big on Christmas Day. Bucks Fizz by 9, first course at 1, asleep in front of the telly by 5.

What he’ll get: Sammy Lee waking him up by excitedly banging on his door at 6am to see if he’s opened his presents yet.

David Moyes (West Ham)

“Only Fools and Horses is on!”

What he wants: “How was your Christmas, David? Get up to much?” “Nah, not really.” Bliss.

What he’ll get: A present from David Gold and David Sullivan that he dare not open.

Nuno Espirito Santo (Wolves)

“But mum, her slice was this big!”

What he wants: To never have to set eyes on Lee Mason ever again.

What he’ll get: Probably Lee Mason. Haunting his dreams. Forever.

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